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I helped a friend move out of her ex-boyfriend’s place yesterday. The whole situation left me thinking about every instance of heartbreak I’d since experienced and how I’ve adapted to them. Here’s what I do: I diminish the other person’s presence in my head by humanizing them, focusing on their normalcy until they’re no longer deified in my mind. I admit my coping mechanism leaves me feeling cold-hearted at times, and it reminds me of that scene from “Casino Royale” where Daniel Craig coolly replies, “The job’s done and the bitch is dead.” I wouldn’t go that far, of course, but you can see what I mean. C’est la vie. Che passa… I don’t know.
“Having a twin as your lover, you’ll never be free…”
But occasionally you meet someone to whom the above method does not apply. This person is special, and you wouldn’t dare tarnish their image because in your mind they are perfect… whatever “perfect” can mean. Is it bad to say something is just “not meant to be?” How can someone be the love of your life if they’ve already found theirs? How can you still trust your feelings if you feel you’ve been misled?
It brings to mind another scene from another movie, this time “Les Poupées Russes,” where the main character is told by his friend that he needs to stop dreaming of the ideal woman… to which he simply responds, “Why stop dreaming?” You can’t help who you love. You can’t be anyone but yourself. So you kick your ass with reality until the fantasy in your head finds a quiet place in the confines of your heart. Never forgotten, but rarely attended.
“All I want is you… The thought of us gets me through the day…”
And you let the feeling slip slowly like sweet poison from the veins…
C’est la vie.
Che passa.
… I don’t know.
I always believe that whole spiel about how if you truly loved someone, you would be able to let them go. I mean the initial feelings are usually anger, sadness, etc.. the typical emotions, but after the initial hurt, my mind is always rationalizing.
1. yes, you can’t help who you love 2. you can’t force someone to feel something they don’t.
3. if you really loved them, you’d want them to be happy.
4. it’s easier for me to love someone than hate someone even if they break my heart.
- poo
My experience taught me that the central teachings of buddhism contain the seeds of great wisdom, for most human suffering comes from our desire to experience reality different than it is.
Mending a broken heart is the most profound exercises in becoming okay with a portion of reality that is no longer within your sphere of influence.
Agreed, Mr. Kaminski. Release from attachment is key to being free.
After my boyfriend of five years dumped me, I spent two entire months sitting in my house, crying all day, every day. Every once in awhile, two years later, I still miss him bad enough to cry all day, again. I don’t pretend to know how to cope in a productive way. But if I cry enough, eventually I’m too exhausted to cry anymore.
The best point anyone ever made to me (my mother, actually) was that I was mourning the death of a dream. No, we wouldn’t get married and have 2.5 lovely children. No, he would never quite have the same goals I hoped he would.
And she was right. Things had not been right for awhile, but I thought we could work through it. When I thought about it, I realized I didn’t miss what we’d become: I missed the delirious, dizzying love we’d had in the first three years, and what I thought that meant. I don’t miss the person he was at the time of the breakup/is now, and I don’t miss the way I felt in the end. I miss the security…but I can provide that for myself now.
Which doesn’t help the brokenhearted at all right now…but someday it might.
Much love to my friend who is suffering. Am thinking about you.
Limiting expectations is definitely hard to do. Learning to live with yourself and being more self-sustainable is a huge showing of maturity on your part.
Distance + Time = Healing
i believe that there is more than one person out there for us. and that there is the time and place for the “romantic” connection to occur. the connection of souls will be happen regardless of romantic involvement.
to truly let go is to truly love. self-preservation is just a step in coping and learning.
I agree with Suki in that I believe you can be happy with many people. I believe that there are certain people who seem like they’re perfect for you but if you look down the road 5 years from now, will they still be perfect for you? Maybe, maybe not. I also don’t believe in this perfect concept. Everyone has flaws…perfection is an illusion. A great line from Sabrina is when Fanny Ardent’s character tells Sabrina (Julia Ormond) that illusions are dangerous people because they have no flaws.
Out of the 3 “loves of my life”, I’ve been able to move on and find happiness while still loving how I felt in that relationship. I look back on them fondly but by no means do I still feel pain that it didn’t work out.
I’ve always been a dreamer but the older I get the more I realize that reality is much better…because it’s tangible.
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